Stuff my housemates say.

My housemates are confused, sheltered and socially awkward Maths students named Barney* and Darius*: third year Maths students and clueless virgins. Some of the things they (but mostly Barney) say are too misogynistic, bizarre and funny not to share. Updated daily, here are the things they say.

Barney: “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with controlling what your woman wears. If she wants to wear leggings, that’s slutty and she obviously loves the attention. And if you can see her shirt under her jumper like you said, it’s obviously really revealing. I wouldn’t let them wear heels or anything because then you’d have men staring at them, and that’s wrong because she’s yours to look at, no one else’s. If men are looking at her, she’s gonna cheat on you, it’s simple. She’s given me no reason to trust her, just like any woman.”

Barney: “Women only wear makeup and nice clothes to impress guys. Why would they buy something they wouldn’t want men to see them in?”

Barney: “I didn’t know women watch porn. Do they do it to learn how to do stuff better?”

Darius: [on discussing social care] “I know what care homes and foster people are like – I used to watch Tracy Beaker.”

Barney: “I do six clothes washes a week. Do you think that’s too many?”

Barney: “Oh, by the way, we all use our own toilet paper in this house so um…well, I’ll just write my name on one of the squares when I’m finished with mine. Just so you know. But don’t worry about it.”

Barney: “If a girl wants to stay with a guy that hits her that’s her problem. She could just leave any time but she obviously wants to stay. It’s kinda of a treat-her-mean, keep-her-keen thing, right?”

Darius: “That’s basic science. You can’t eat 2 hours before you eat.”

Barney is bitter today.
Barney: “I’m just gonna ignore her. She didn’t want me so fuck her, teasing bitch. I was so nice to her but she was like ‘I’ve got a boyfriend now’, so whatever. She can just fuck off and die now.”

Barney: “I can’t sent her a birthday message. She’ll be expecting it, and I don’t want her to think she’s so amazing.”

Barney: “I won’t let my wife cheat when I get married but I definitely would wanna sleep with other women. I’ll just make sure she knows that before we get married.”

Barney: “My goal is to sleep with eight girls by the end of this year.”

Barney: “So you’ve stretched your ear and you wear really weird clothes. Like, I’m sorry but what kind of guy are you trying to marry?”
Me: “I’m not.”
Barney: “Then why are you even alive?!”

Barney: “Hey, what you up to? Just so you know, you can borrow my spot cream if you like. For that spot on your face. The big one? On your chin?”

Me: “No taking advantage of drunk girls!”
Barney: “What, why?”

Barney: “Darius talked to you about our argument? I didn’t realise he was disobedient.”

Barney: “Girls pretend to be drunk but they’re always sober. I’ve never met a girl that’s actually been drunk.”

Barney: “I just like to make sure I’m clean. A roll isn’t THAT much toilet paper.”
Darius: “It is for every time you take a shit!”
Barney: “Well I have to wipe down the seat first!”

Barney: “If you can’t ask a normal woman her age, what about a married one?”
Me: “What’s that got to do with it? They’re still human and it’s still a rude question.”
Barney: “But is it only disrespectful because you can’t remind a woman that she’s getting old and she’s still not married? And before you get all blah blah independent woman, you’re, like, the only woman that doesn’t want that. For now, at least.”

Darius: “Surely, if something’s wet, you want it to be either really hot or really cold, ’cause doesn’t stuff dry faster when it’s really cold ’cause it freezes and like, comes off?”

Barney: “I hate that there are homeless people on the way to Waitrose. I’m like ‘can’t you go and be homeless somewhere else?'”

Barney: “Yeah and then I got to Waitrose and they didn’t even have any olive bread or bourguignonne. I was like ‘what the fuck is this?'”

Me: “You don’t know your girlfriend’s last name?”
Barney: “It hasn’t come up yet.”

Me: “Do either of you want any spaghetti bolognese?”
Barney: “No, I don’t eat beef. I don’t want mad cow disease.”

Barney: “I hate pictures.”

Darius: “Statistically, 90% of Americans carry guns, and it’s totally legal.”
Me: “Where are you getting your facts?”
Darius: “America.”

Mia (Barney’s girlfriend): [on her account of being groped at a nightclub] “…And he grabbed me and wouldn’t let go and was forcing my head to turn, trying to kiss me.”
Darius: “Were you scared or were you just not committed?”

Me: “You notice too much. I can’t get away with subtly changing my makeup or buying a new top without you picking up on it.”
Barney: “Is this because you’re getting your period?”
Me: “What makes you think I’m getting my period?”
Barney: “You eat more toasted stuff when you’re getting your period.”

Barney: “This is abuse. She abuses me.”
Mia “You’re way meaner to me. He’s not mentioning all the times he’s made me cry.”
Barney: “What? You haven’t cried in ages!”

Darius: *yawns really loudly*
Mia: “FUCK SAKE, DARIUS. You’re never going to get laid like this!”

Darius: “Cat, d’you like swimming?”
Me: “Nah.”
Barney: “Is it ’cause you’re insecure about your body?”

Me: “Darius, check the gym times for me.”
Darius: “You’re going gym?”
Barney: “Is this because I mentioned you’re insecure about your body earlier?”

Darius: “White roses are what you give at a funeral, aren’t they?”
Me: “It’s usually lilies.”
Darius: “Is that why goths give white roses then? ‘Cause they’re so sick of black?”
?????

Barney: [arguing with Mia] “I can’t believe this. Like, you just said something that wasn’t on the table for you to tell people.”
*Barney storms out*
*door slams*
Darius: “…what about his food?”

Barney: “I don’t think you really appreciate the amount I do for you.”
Me: “Yeah, man, thanks for washing one of my towels.”
Barney: “And hey. I really meant it.”

Barney: *with a towel wrapped around his head* “Look, I’m an Indian.” *does dance*
Me: “Little racist.”
Barney: “No, American Indian.”

*naht their real names

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